On December 14, 2014, when I walked out of Cleveland Clinic, a place that I spent time in everyday for almost 2 months I said I never walked to step foot back in that hospital again because it served as the place that holds my most painful memory of my life.
However, that all changed a couple of weeks ago when my father said that his surgery was coming up and it was at the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus. I knew that I could no longer avoid going back into that hospital.
In the coming days I actually had a little anxiety about going back to the hospital, I talked to my husband and he gave me a pep talk and as I was pulling in the parking garage I was talking to my best-friend and I told her I had some “feelings” about going but I was just trying to keep moving.
She kept talking and she said “I’ve realized that when I take myself out of some situations and just deal with what’s going on rather than thinking about my feelings its easier to get through things”…basically what I got from that was don’t dismiss your feelings, but in this particular moment don’t get caught up in them. You can address them at a later time! There is a job to be done and right now that is your purpose to handle the job!
We soon got off the phone and I had that last pep talk with God and myself…and actually I felt a peace come over me and I made it through the day with no tears! I also think that it helped that I never saw the area that we used to walk on a daily basis…we were in a totally different part of the hospital…but God knows exactly what you need at the perfect time!
Saturday, we went to visit my father and we stayed for a couple of hours. We had to come in the main entrance and go pass Cleveland Clinic Children’s unit of the hospital…
My eyes got a little teary-eyed, wishing that I could go upstairs to the 3rd floor, check-in and hold my baby (even with all the tubes…I still long to hold him again)! Again I kept moving but these are the thoughts that consumed my head in walking pass…
Once we went upstairs I focused my attention on other things!
We were only there for a minute before more visitors started rolling in at the same time. At one point it was quite a few visitors at once so Darrick, the kids and I went downstairs for lunch. My mother called and said she was coming down to meet us since it was still a lot of people in the room, and it would give her a chance to have a few minutes to take a break.
Since my uncle was upstairs I figured she was coming down with him so he could say “Bye” but she comes around the corner with Darrick II’s doctor Dr. Rodriguez. I couldn’t believe it! They (My Mom and the Doctor) happened to run into each other as she was coming into the cafeteria, he asked about us and once he knew we were there he said he had to come see us.
Dr. Rodriguez is the Chief of the NICU, however, some people become part of your family when you go through hard things! He was one of the best doctors that we have ever encountered. I remember him coming in on his day off in “street clothes” when we brought the family in after taking Darrick II off all the wires.
Even though I didn’t think I was ready to see him or anyone from the NICU, it was great to see him and reassuring to myself that I was ready handle everything that comes along with walking into Cleveland Clinic!
Dr. Rodriguez talked to us briefly and said he understood that we probably hadn’t been back because it was HARD and filled with LOTS of memories! We agreed and I explained to him how the day before my sister asked if I wanted to take DJ to see the nurses and I politely declined. I guess I was still in my “feelings” but I wasn’t ready to face the unit!
However, even though I didn’t think I was ready, God KNEW I was ready! And even if I wasn’t He would be there with me EVERY step of the way!
Now its MONDAY!!! I made it…I made it without crumbling! To this day passing Cleveland Clinic while driving I get a lump in my throat and shortly after tears would follow, however, this weekend wasn’t about me so I had to keep moving! I had to keep moving for my family, they needed me this weekend and they needed me “present” not just physically but mentally as well! I had to tap into that supernatural spirit that God gives us to get through some of the toughest situations!
UPDATE: My father is doing EXCELLENT (he came home yesterday)! He actually isn’t in anymore pain…he has pain from the incision in his back but his legs are no longer hurting! PRAISE GOD!!!
