Losing a child is BY FAR the worst thing someone can go through. And once it happens its like you are part of this club with other parents that have gone through the same thing and only you truly understand what it feels like. And all the rules of grief go out the window (this was told to me by our therapist)…you just simply aren’t supposed to bury your kids so what we know as “Rules of Grief” it just doesn’t happen like that.
When Darrick and I lost Little Darrick…although we were told days earlier that he wasn’t getting any better we thought we had more time with him. We didn’t think we only had a couple more days…
However, when God says its your time, its your time…He doesn’t make mistakes!
I was on Facebook the other night and in one of the groups I am in a lady said her friend lost her baby and she was wondering what she could do for her.
Okay so here’s the deal, NOTHING you can do for someone that has lost a child will make them feel better. Sorry to be blunt but its the truth, nothing you can do will bring their baby back (no matter the age) which is what the parents ultimately want.
However, there are a few gestures that you can do for the family that will help them get through the process…let me give you a few Do’s and Dont’s
DO fix or buy dinner for the Family…its so easy during this time to go without eating (as a parent you probably wont have an appetite) BUT you need to eat to live so helping the family with food is GREATLY APPRECIATED.
DO call or send text messages…you may not get a response immediately but we appreciate them!
DONT and I MEAN DONT…disappear on the family because you don’t know what to say. Yes, its hard for EVERYONE but its not harder for you than it is the parents so get over your own feelings and at least call and say I love you. I rarely cut people off cold turkey, but if you werent there for us during the HARDEST TIME of my life, Im done with you…period! No questions! You cant come back from it…no grudges are held I just dont mess with you anymore!
DO listen and try to be understanding…Im going to cry when I talk, or I may cry at random things, even though we lost our son (almost 2 years ago) sometimes I talk about him and cry like it just happened.
DONT get all weird when I talk about my deceased child (NO, Im not going to function like he never existed)
DONT force counseling…you can suggest it but please give it time. Some parents choose to jump right in, and some decide later on that they need to go…give it time! UNLESS the person is in danger of harming themselves…by all means get someone involved!
DO invite the parents out to get them out away from their thoughts and feelings…my friends from high school surprised me with a day out (spa, pole dancing classes and dinner) a couple of months afterwards, I cried later on for being thankful for great friends, and for friends that knew exactly what I needed
DONT overlook the father! He has feelings and his feelings are JUST as strong as the Mom! #FathersMatter dont discount them!
DO come pick up my husband and take him out for beer and a game…he needs it too!
DONT say anything stupid… “How did you do it”…YOU DONT HAVE A CHOICE! Sometimes life deals you a hand that you have to play! Its not always the hand you want but you have to “just deal” so yes, if you had to, you would do what you have to do to get by!
DO ask to babysit the other kids if the family has other kids. If only for an hour, it not only helps the family but its great for the kids.
DO call and check on us months later, the hardest part of grieving occurs after the funeral is over and everyone else has gone back to their normal routines. For the family, our routine will never be the same.
Please understand this post is just to give you the “real” of what parents that are grieving are thinking. Dealing with child loss is one of the HARDEST things to deal with and some days its easy and other are like it just happened. But I believe that with lots of prayer and time its something that you will learn to deal with better.
